I’ve been talking to you for a while now. Or rather WE’VE been talking to each other. We’ve become friends, again. That’s good news. Right? Isn’t it?
We hung out for the very first time, in months, with our friends’ and each other’s consent. It was weird, but we got through it. It was nice. You had told me afterwards that it was a good thing that it happened. We started talking more. Texts and online messages. One night, you had asked me if I still had feelings for you and if it would be alright for us to hang out more, for us to see each other on the regular… I didn’t answer you. I never did. You mentioned that I hadn’t and I replied with “I’m sorry.” I don’t know if you knew that I was saying sorry because my answer was, and still is, yes. Yes, I still have feelings for you. I didn’t want to say that to you because I was worried if I did we wouldn’t hang out, like we are currently. I was afraid that it would push you away from me. There wouldn’t be anything. Not even a friendship.
I don’t plan on saying anything, ever. I won’t say anything to you, my friends, or my family. These feelings will be contained, never to be expressed for the benefit of our growing friendship.
Our friendship has grown rapidly that you share your deepest and darkest thoughts with me. You share the pain of your unrequited love for someone else. It just breaks my heart more. You talk about how he doesn’t know your struggle and it sucks.
I don’t know if being your friend is worth it. I don’t want to know your pain. I don’t want to know that you are in love with someone else. I don’t want you to remain like this… So, I listen. I commiserate. I make myself available. I become a friend.
Were okay. I didn’t care about anything. Now, I think I’m back to realizing what I’ve lost and am in the same slump I thought I had left.
I’m climbing a pile of trash that is my life. I’ve slipped and fell back in to a sad, depressing cesspool of self-hatred and woe. It’s going to take a while for me to get to its peak and see a bright future.
Is now one of the worst. Cried thinking about memories, envisioned what might be happening to Her (has She moved on farther than I have?), and saw Her face for the first time in weeks. My eyes sting and I wish I were dead.
I don't think I've ever been this sad and conflicted...
Ever since the day I left my mom. I am alone again, but by my own choice. I hate it, it sucks. I keep replaying it in my mind and this decision is the most logical thing to do. I can’t become friends with anyone anymore, if all I do is harm. I… just can’t.
I got in a fight with a friend. We had planned to hang out yesterday, just us. We went out to dinner with others and we got back to Her house. She said that she wanted to take a nap and then she’d call me later to keep hanging out. I took it completely the wrong way. I thought about it in my head as a COMPLETE and ULTIMATE rejection. I made such a big deal out of it and I kind of made a scene. She got mad at me and now I don’t know what to do. I apologized and all, but it just made me look bad. All my hard work of us becoming great, maybe even best, friends… It almost feels gone.
An idiot at best and a miserable wreck at worst. Why did I do that!? Why couldn’t I just keep it to myself? Everything would’ve stayed the same and the situation would’ve been better than it is now. I am stupid.